New Sources Report Bi Timer Now Up For Man Who—Until Last Weekend!—Always Looked Awkwardly Gender-Conforming In Photographs
LOCAL NEWS - DEC 2022
By: Clarity Editorial Board
A former khakis-and-polo wearing computer science student has been identified as a probable bisexual on Wednesday after the publication of an uncharacteristically fruity social media post.
Secondary sources presume that Vishal Garikipati, 23, a recent graduate of Delulu University, has started to discover his sexuality after relocation to the Champaign-Urbana metropolitan area, the postgrad identity crisis capital of the United States Midwest.
“When I saw that post, I felt SO vindicated,” reflected Roxanne Zheng, a fellow Delulu alumni and bisexual. “But then I was like, why wasn’t he like THIS when I was hooking up with him? He was just such a cishet, kinda awkward and problematic, like, straight guy. He had no good pictures of himself anywhere and I couldn’t prove that my taste isn’t actually horrible. And my friends are still roasting me for it! Which is fair. But still!”
Caroline Zhang, Zheng's former roommate and critic, returned this accusation with a blank stare. “Honestly, I didn’t know Vish like that. I just know he’s weird. But his leg was at the exact bi angle,” she told Clarity Editorial Board. “I was a stats major, so I know. But I still think he’s oogles and stink.”
Chances of bisexuality are promising. As shown in the incriminating photograph, Garikipati's stoic yet pouty gaze is fixed homoerotically off-camera. He lounges on an ambiguous cushioned surface in a lilac vertical-stripe button-up, left meticulously unbuttoned to expose a slutty pasture of chest hair to the elements. Finally, an oversaturated Polaroid border frames his burgeoning pre-dilf physique, emulating the orange creamsicle color scheme of the 80s while maintaining an undertone of blissful ignorance of the era’s grim Reagonomic reality. Minus the poorly-executed sock cuffing, these visual cues all stand in stark contrast to previous pictures of Garikipati, which consist mostly of red-tie hackathon group photos and LinkedIn headshots siphoned from his last high school Science Olympiad competition.
In the midst of this new development, established bisexuals speculate that Garikipati has begun the antihero’s journey of disappointing an even broader dating pool.
“People like Roxie are going to keep making the same mistake,” commented Mary Nkansah, both Zheng's friend and a computer science classmate of Garikipati. "I don’t care if Vish learned how to color coordinate. He probably just dressed like that so he could look less embarrassing on the 'About Us' webpage for his new AI start-up. Everyone in those pictures with him is a piece of shit. He does not look cute. Get a grip!”
Garikipati has yet to respond to allegations on the matter, allowing the newly added Soundcloud link in his bio and DJ sets in his pinned story to keep his audience in suspense.
Author's Note: Shamelessly reviving this old thing for a new era. Names have been changed to protect the privacy and perceived dignity of all parties involved, etc.